OkCupid: Back In The Game?

Last night, I had a conversation with a friend who said that if I’m ACTUALLY looking to date someone, OkCupid might not be my best outlet. 

WHAT?!?!

Slash. Duh. I’ve sorta put OkCupid on the back-burner because of Snatched and because… well… it hasn’t been that fruitful. [Though it HAS provided hours of entertainment!]

Yesterday, as I was leaving my therapist’s office, there was a gentleman with two adorable dogs outside. As I passed him, he stopped me. 

DogGuy: What does your shirt say? I’m a…?

Me: I’m a music nut. Cute dogs! Are they yorkies?

DogGuy: Yeah, they’re actually teacup yorkies. We* got really lucky cause they have no health issues or anything. 

Me: Well they are super cute. 

DogGuy: So.. um… I didn’t actually stop you because I wanted to know what your shirt said. I think you’re really attractive, and I was wondering if you might want to go out and get a drink or dinner or something sometime. 

Me: Uh… [I hesitate, but then I remember that it is the Summer of Yes, and so…] Yeah. Sure.

DogGuy: Cool! You know. I mean. How do you hit on people these days? Like this? Like on the sidewalk? I’m usually not this awkward, but you know, it’s summer and I’m tired of being alone and going home alone and… [trails off..]

Me: Yeah… I know what you mean.

DogGuy: Cool, well can I get your number? 

Me: Sure. 

[We do the number exchange.]

DogGuy: Oh! California! Cool!

Me: Yeah, it’s the best. I love it there. 

DogGuy: Yeah. Well, I’m from New York… But I’ve lived in other places like Atlanta and stuff, so I’m not a total weirdo or crazy or… you know… [trails off again]. 

You guys. What can I say? It’s the Summer of Yes. The answer is always yes, right? [*Also, who is this ‘we’?]

And, lest we think that awkward pick-ups on New York City streets are sort of unbearable, I present you with a round-up of recent messages:

SuitorWithNoProfilePicture: Gorgeous pics and your profile piqued my interest. New to OKC and still figuring this place out a bit. Im 6′, 180lbs, short brown hair, blue eyes, broad shoulders, athletic, cute and VERY well endowed (I promise). Id love to chat and see what you are looking for in here. Hope that youre having a good weekend and that we can chat soon…Ill be online for a bit.

I haven’t responded, but I’m thinking the ONLY appropriate response is: Pictures or I don’t believe it. [And you KNOW what sort of pictures I’m talking about…]

Obviously I’m trying to find love where others are just trying to get laid. 

NightOwl: Come have some free wine with me at a lounge in the village, lil cute Blonde~~>! Just a thought

This message was received at 1:40 am. I mean… I MAY be on OkCupid at 1:40 am, but I am ALSO most definitely in my bed. I think I have a post-1:00 am trump-card for Summer of Yes, right?

You guys. I CAN’T WIN! Spinsterhood is sounding more appealing by the hour. 

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A Tale of Two Pick Up Lines

Oh, the joys of being a lady on the streets of New York City: it’s probably best to take all events, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. [Thanks, Dickens]

Scenario One: Age of Foolishness

I was walking up my street to procure some chocolate and beer [pre-Snatched, naturally]. While chatting on the phone with my mom, I could feel the person next to me pacing me. I slowed down a bit and caught a glimpse of a very tall gentleman out of the corner of my eye. As I slowed down, he did as well. It was so surprising, that I just stopped walking while still trying to carry on a conversation. 

He stopped, too. And stood in front of me. 

“Can I help you?”

“Whoa. You don’t need to be like that. I just wanted to ask you for your phone number.”

“Uh. No. Sorry.”

“Yeah… You should be…”

And then he walked away. 

WHAT!? You guys.

WHY would you think it’s ok to just ask someone for their phone number when you’ve never said HELLO or even asked their name?! WHY?! 

Scenario Two: Age of Wisdom

Yesterday, after leaving my first Snatched class and strolling across 40th Street, from behind me I heard a gentleman say, “Excuse me, miss. You dropped something.”

I turned back to see what could have possibly fallen out of my bag. I didn’t see anything on the ground. 

“It was your halo…”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. It was so cheesy and wonderful at the same time. “Why, thank you!”

“No. Thank YOU. God bless you.”

 

You Must Take the A [well, actually the N] Train

Image

 

 

[Scene: On a Queens bound subway platform, 3:00 am.]

[Time: In the not so distant past]

 

Gentleman: Excuse me, do you know if this train goes to Queens?

Me: Yes.

Gentleman: Oh, ok. Thanks. I’m on my way to visit my mom. She lives there.

Pause.

Two things.

1. If your mom lives in Queens, how do you not know how to get there?

2. Why are you visiting your mom at 3:00 in the morning?

 Play.

[A train arrives.]

Gentleman: Do you mind if I ride with you?

Me: Uhh…

[The “Gentleman” takes this as a “yes”.]

Gentleman: So do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Yes. [Lies, obviously I do not.]

Gentleman: How long have you been dating?

Me: Two years.

Gentleman: That’s not that long. [Really?] Do you love him?

Me: Yes.

Gentleman: What’s he like?

Me: Uhhh… Huh?

Gentleman: I’m just, ya’ know, wondering what I can do to bag a girl like you.

Me: Uhh… [eliminating the term “bag a girl” from your vocabulary might be a good start.]

Gentleman: So can I get your number?

Me: Um, remember how I have a boyfriend?

The doors of the train open at 5th Avenue/59th Street and The “Gentleman” gets off. I thought he was going to see his mom in Queens? Weird…

[Two weeks later. Same exact location on same exact Queens bound subway platform.]

I hear someone approach me from behind, “Excuse me, does this train go to Queens?”

I turn around and it is The “Gentleman”. He sees my face, does a 180, and books it in the other direction.

Who knew that feigned subway map ignorance could be such an effective [ahem] pick-up method?

Image from: zero per zero via treehugger