Musings on 30

On Friday, a friend and I strolled down 2nd Avenue to a party in the Lower East Side. We were dressed as Kit from A League of Their Own and Robin (of Batman and… fame). As we wound our way through the naysayers (“It’s not Halloween anymore!”), we chatted about life. 

“We’re NOT thirtysomethings yet,” he stated. “We’re thirtyNOTHINGS. It’s an important distinction!”

Oh. 

What’s that?

You’ve never heard of a thirtynothing?

Allow me to explain.

Thirtynothing is that very important year when you are just thirty. Not thirtysomething. 

Anyway, I’ve come to two very important conclusions now that my age begins with a “3” and not a “2”. 

1. Thirty is the year at which people start telling you how great you look for your age. Apparently when I was 29 and 11 months, I looked like shit. Washed up. Haggard. Hard. Now that I’m 30, I’ve seemingly gone through some de-aging process. All I can say is: I’LL TAKE IT. 

2. I am now a cougar. I received this message from a 25 year old gentleman on the OKCupes. 

Hey I was wondering if you were into younger guys?

Listen. Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t really think that a 5 year age difference is large enough to call attention to in your FIRST message to me. I think when we are all consenting adults of the legal age to drink, age ain’t nothing but a number. (However. If this means that it is now socially acceptable for me to wear black panty hose, a lot of animal print, and Chanel No. 5, Cougartown here I come!)

PS. I apologize for my hiatus. You know… life. It happens. But I’m back with renewed vigor and I’ve even coughed up the dollars to join match.com again, so… just prepare yourselves. 

Advertisements

OkCupid: Veggies Are Not Just For Eatin’

You guys. I’m toying with the idea of getting rid of OkCupid and enrolling in a sewing class and calling it a day. Of course, then I would miss out on these sorts of gems.

From VeggieLuvr:

I was just at Trader Joes and noticed these two girls in the produce section. They were holding up cucumbers and taking pictures of each other. One of the girls sort of resembled you, so that drew me into your profile. You also caught my eye because you look like genuine person. It seems like most girls on this site are trying to be someone they’re not. Everybody sort of seems the same. Do girls pose with phallic-shaped vegetables to impress guys?? If more people acted real and stopped posing with cucumbers I think the world would be a better place 

Anyway, my name is VeggieLuvr. If you’re into guys who enjoy long walks on the beach, sunsets, etc. etc. etc. then you should reply back to me.

And then, a few days later, from VeggieLuvr AGAIN:

Similar scenario happened again, except this time I was at Whole Foods… You’ll never guess it, but I saw the same two girls AGAIN, both taking pictures of each other. Maybe they think that putting up pictures of themselves in the produce section displays their humanity? Now I’m just confused… 

I’d love to talk more about crazy girls and phallic shaped vegetables, but I’m a bit pressed for time right now. You can either get back to me here or just text me at 201-555-5555.

And then, because I had a sneaking suspicion that this was some sort of formulaic bullshit, I did a quick google search. Lo and behold, I was not the only recipient of the veggie lovin’ OKC message. What is this world coming to?

I just.

No.

PS. It’s way too hot for love anyway. I’d rather spend my evenings making out with my air conditioner and getting intimate with some 16 Handles.

OkCupid: Back In The Game?

Last night, I had a conversation with a friend who said that if I’m ACTUALLY looking to date someone, OkCupid might not be my best outlet. 

WHAT?!?!

Slash. Duh. I’ve sorta put OkCupid on the back-burner because of Snatched and because… well… it hasn’t been that fruitful. [Though it HAS provided hours of entertainment!]

Yesterday, as I was leaving my therapist’s office, there was a gentleman with two adorable dogs outside. As I passed him, he stopped me. 

DogGuy: What does your shirt say? I’m a…?

Me: I’m a music nut. Cute dogs! Are they yorkies?

DogGuy: Yeah, they’re actually teacup yorkies. We* got really lucky cause they have no health issues or anything. 

Me: Well they are super cute. 

DogGuy: So.. um… I didn’t actually stop you because I wanted to know what your shirt said. I think you’re really attractive, and I was wondering if you might want to go out and get a drink or dinner or something sometime. 

Me: Uh… [I hesitate, but then I remember that it is the Summer of Yes, and so…] Yeah. Sure.

DogGuy: Cool! You know. I mean. How do you hit on people these days? Like this? Like on the sidewalk? I’m usually not this awkward, but you know, it’s summer and I’m tired of being alone and going home alone and… [trails off..]

Me: Yeah… I know what you mean.

DogGuy: Cool, well can I get your number? 

Me: Sure. 

[We do the number exchange.]

DogGuy: Oh! California! Cool!

Me: Yeah, it’s the best. I love it there. 

DogGuy: Yeah. Well, I’m from New York… But I’ve lived in other places like Atlanta and stuff, so I’m not a total weirdo or crazy or… you know… [trails off again]. 

You guys. What can I say? It’s the Summer of Yes. The answer is always yes, right? [*Also, who is this ‘we’?]

And, lest we think that awkward pick-ups on New York City streets are sort of unbearable, I present you with a round-up of recent messages:

SuitorWithNoProfilePicture: Gorgeous pics and your profile piqued my interest. New to OKC and still figuring this place out a bit. Im 6′, 180lbs, short brown hair, blue eyes, broad shoulders, athletic, cute and VERY well endowed (I promise). Id love to chat and see what you are looking for in here. Hope that youre having a good weekend and that we can chat soon…Ill be online for a bit.

I haven’t responded, but I’m thinking the ONLY appropriate response is: Pictures or I don’t believe it. [And you KNOW what sort of pictures I’m talking about…]

Obviously I’m trying to find love where others are just trying to get laid. 

NightOwl: Come have some free wine with me at a lounge in the village, lil cute Blonde~~>! Just a thought

This message was received at 1:40 am. I mean… I MAY be on OkCupid at 1:40 am, but I am ALSO most definitely in my bed. I think I have a post-1:00 am trump-card for Summer of Yes, right?

You guys. I CAN’T WIN! Spinsterhood is sounding more appealing by the hour. 

OkCupid: G.R.I.T.S. Part 3

I toyed with the idea of meeting up with my friend G.R.I.T.S. as if we’d never played hockey of the tonsil variety.

I was going to send a message along these lines:

Hi!

Yes! I’d love to meet up. Here’s my phone number: 650.555.1234.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Erin

As I contemplated my ability and courage to pull off such a stunt, I decided to peruse his OkC profile. Before I even had a chance to draft my response, I received the NEEDIEST OkCupid follow-up message. 

G.R.I.T.S.: Hmm, you checked me out and didn’t respond. Por Que?

You guys. 

I just can’t deal with these needy OkCupid messages.

So I abandoned ship on my original scheme and went with a more straight-forward approach. 

Me: Hi G.R.I.T.S., 
How closely did you look at my profile ;)? 
I hope you’re doing well! 
Erin

G.R.I.T.S.: I really just know that I’m not a scrub and that was your criteria as you began writing lyrics to the TLC song. 
Hope you’re doing well also 😉 It’s almost Governor’s Ball so I’m happy.

ME: Well… I think the answer to the phone number question is: you already have (had?) it. 🙂

And then, as an addendum [because apparently he HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT] ME: How’s Hans?

G.R.I.T.S.: He is no-more, had to get rid of him because I moved into a high rise with three other people. It was a sad day indeed. Annnnnd “had” would be the proper tense on that one.

And [because I am MORBIDLY curious in these sorts of situations] ME: Well… Here you go: 650.555.1234

1. Who says “get rid of” in reference to their pet?! ‘Give him away’ would have been WAY more appropriate. That makes me cringe. 

2. YOU GUYS. I WENT ON MULTIPLE DATES WITH THIS GUY. I’m not offended just fascinated! FASCINATED. 

3. Also, playing dumb is a bad strategy (if that’s what he was doing). A better strategy (if he wanted to give this another chance OR not look like a person suffering from memory loss): Oh, shit. I didn’t even recognize you! You’ve gotten more beautiful in the last year. [Or something else totally kiss-ass-y that would have totally worked on me because I’m a SUCKER.]

4. I haven’t heard from him. Maybe when he attempted to put my phone number in his phone, he was confronted with our chat history and it all came back to him, like Celine Dion. 

OkCupid: G.R.I.T.S Revisited

Last summer, a few months after the G.R.I.T.S. saga, I reluctantly hopped into a cab to meet a first OkCupid date. [I’m not generally a cab-taker, especially at commute time, but I was running late, and the only way I was going to meet this gentleman NOT looking like I’d just stepped out of the shower was by arriving via air-conditioned vessel. I’m a sweaty gal.] I wasn’t interested in this Suitor at all. I was just going through the motions because I felt like I should. Because I was in the throes of sadness with another gentleman. I guess he was an OkCupid rebound date. While riding in the luxurious air-conditioning, I thought to myself, “I was excited when G.R.I.T.S and I went on our first date… Maybe I should just text him and see if he maybe ISN’T the crazy misogynistic man I had him pegged for…”

So I did.

Me: Hi G.R.I.T.S! This is Erin from back in March (I don’t know if you still have my phone number…). So, I was kinda in a weird place when we were hanging out, but I would love for us to get a drink in the near future if you’re into that. I hope you’re doing well!

I hopped out of the cab and went on my OkCupid date. [It was a dud as I expected it to be.]

Exactly 24 hours later [yikes], I received a response.

G.R.I.T.S.: Hey! Yeah, sure. Let’s grab a drink this week.

Pause.

One of the big problems we had in our very short courtship was that I never responded to his text messages in a timely manner. At the time, he told me this really bothered him. Being aware of that, I was sure to respond quickly. 

Play. 

Me: Great! I’m free Monday or Thursday evening of this coming week. Do either of those work for you?

[No response.]

Me [on Monday]: So, does Thursday work for you?

Me [on Thursday, wasted]: So… Now you’re not responding to my text messages. I get it. You’re getting me back for not responding to yours back in the day. That’s cool. I probably deserve it. But, just so I know, how long are you going to play this game?

And then, I drunkenly Facebook friend requested him. Apparently, that’s my M.O.

Suffice it to say, the friend request was not accepted [I think I eventually retracted it in sobriety], and I never got a response to my belligerent, drunken texts.

Is anyone surprised? I would say no.

Fast forward to this morning.

I awaken to the following OkCupid message:

I’m interested. You seem a little like a female version of me – fun, blonde, and a little wild. 
Shoot me your number, we can make plans and go from there.

Upon closer investigation, I find that the sender of the message is my good friend G.R.I.T.S.

My first thought was: Oh, shit! Am I offending the first commandment of OkCupid-ing?!

FIRST COMMANDMENT OF OKCUPID-ING: THOU MUST LOOK-EST LIKE ONE’S PROFILE PICTURES!

I immediately perused them only to discover that, by pure coincidence, one of my pictures was taken the VERY NIGHT I met G.R.I.T.S. (just a few short hours before – same clothes, same hair-do, same everything).

My friend G.R.I.T.S. is apparently not that observant.

I’m still contemplating the perfect response.

Current front runners:

I think you already have it. [My phone number.]

How’s Hans? [His dog.]

Dude. Really?

I’m open to suggestions.

OkCupid: The Art of Subtlety

I received a message from a suitor whose profile waxed poetic about being a mama’s boy. 

NotSubtle: I like short girls and you have amazing boobs. I’d love to meet you.

Me: Haha umm… thanks? Did your mother approve that message ;)?

NotSubtle: Well played. So where in NYC do you live, miss California?

Me: East Village. You?

NotSubtle: Upper west side. Perhaps one of us could make the cross-city trip to hang out one of these days.

Listen, NotSubtle. Thanks but no thanks. While I’m sure that you looked at my pictures before you read my profile, it’s sort of expected that you at least pretend that you are messaging me because I am so witty and intriguing and hilarious, and NOT just because you’re looking for a good tittyfuck. 

Maybe it’s time for me to explore other avenues. There are tons of straight men taking sewing and cupcake decorating classes, right? 

OkCupid: I’m a Hustler, Baby

On OkCupid, everyone is trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents [or $3 off of a free dating website as the case may be].

Scenario One: OkCupid Wants Your Money

OkCupid is free.

Unless.

Unless you want to be able to “browse anonymously while still seeing your visitors!” Then you gotta cough up the funds: three dollars per month. [I’m still not exactly sure how this works if BOTH involved parties are paying the three dollars. I think OkCupid is running a scam here.]

Anyway, there is no way OKC is collecting $3 from me, so I just browse openly. People can see when I view their profiles. I can see when they view mine. I don’t really care that much. [I could also browse anonymously for free, but then I couldn’t see any of my visitors… and what’s the fun in that?]

On Tuesday at 11:23 am, a gentleman from OkCupid sent me the following message.

OverEager: hey there would you like to chat and see where it goes from there ??

I was busy during the day. At approximately 9:05:30 pm, I finally arrived home, powered up the ol’ laptop, read OverEager’s message, and viewed his profile.

At 9:06 pm, while I was STILL BROWSING HIS PROFILE, I received the following message.

OverEager: Any interest ?

1. This is what I get for not paying the $3 per month. If I was browsing anonymously, he couldn’t have sent me a follow-up stalker message.

2. No, sir. Now that you’ve revealed yourself to be CRAZY, I have no interest.

3. What’s with the spaces before the final punctuation in your messages?

Scenario Two: People On OkCupid Want Your Money

I recently exchanged the following messages with a gentleman on OKC.

OKCEntrepreneur: Hey! So… Want to help me win twenty bucks? My buddy and I have a bet that you are actually a dude. 

Me: Haha WHAT?! I can assure you that I am most definitely a lady! What makes you say that?

OKCEntrepreneur: Damn. Well I lost… It’s cause no girl writes as little as you did on your profile. Barren profiles are a guy thing. 

Me: Yeah… I guess it is a little sparse. It probably needs some editing… especially now that people are accusing me of being a dude! [For the record, my profile is NOT that barren.]

OKCEntrepreneur: Well… We could meet up and I could give you some pointers. You could buy me an ice cream in exchange for my expertise. 

1. Huh?

2. No. Really. What?

3. I thought you were trying to find out if we might be a good match, but then maybe you were selling me online dating profile consulting services?

4. Dude. You are clearly strapped for cash. First you are making twenty dollar bets about gender, and then you’re trying to swindle me for free ice cream. Surely there are more lucrative and stable options available to you.

Maybe we just can’t help it. Pop culture taught us all to be hustlers from a very young age.

“I’ll trade you a pickle for a nickel!”

“How about two cents?”