OkCupid: You Should Message Me If

For those who are not versed in the wondrous ways of OkCupid, the final profile section is entitled “You Should Message Me If…”

Some standard responses:

-You’ve gotten this far.
-You feel like it.
-You find my pictures attractive.
-Why not?

Others seize this as their opportunity to pontificate on their perfect match, something along the lines of:

-You are over 5’8″ (sorry short girls! I’m 6’3″…)
-You are very interested in maintaining your fitness – I spend at least 5 days a week at the gym, so this is something that is very important to me. I expect my partner to take this seriously, too.
-You know the difference between you’re and your.
-You aren’t currently recovering from a long term relationship (been there, done that… take it from me, it doesn’t work).
-You don’t have a cat. I’m allergic!
-You’ve gotten this far. (But please, PLEASE make sure you’ve read my whole profile. I have been very specific about what I want/am into and if you aren’t aware of that up front, there’s no point in wasting my time.)

I have to hand it to these men. If you can just peruse hundreds of thousands of women, for free, from the comfort of your own home, you might as well be specific about what you want.

I opted for the less-is-more route.

You should message me if…

You are awesome. Those who are not awesome need not apply.

You should NOT message me if you are a scrub. I don’t want no scrub, a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me.

Some hilarious resulting messages I’ve received:

You don’t want my number? 

Hey – I’m not hanging out the passenger side of my best friend’s ride, trying to holler at you. I’m doing the okcupid method, which I guess is a very small step above that?

Some NOT hilarious messages that I’ve received?

What’s a scrub?

Usually I want to write back one of the following responses:

1. Did you live through the 90s?
2. Do you know how to use google?

I hold back the snark, though. Instead, I just send this link, with no additional commentary.

Anyway, this “you should message me if” section always reminds me of an article that I read recently, that said you are allowed to have three deal-breakers, and that’s it. THREE.

I’ve thought a lot about what my deal-breakers are. Of course, on the unabridged wish list are the obvious, occasionally superficial sorts of things (in no particular order): likes to cook (and does so regularly); wants 2.2 kids, a house in the city and a summer home, and a dog; appreciates the arts; has a nice body (but not overwhelmingly so… please don’t make me feel like I could out-eat you at the Coney Island hotdog eating competition… God. Women are impossible!); doesn’t smoke; thinks I’m hot; loves his family and my mom; has drive and ambition; is gainfully employed; et cetera.

I think that limiting yourself to ONLY three deal-breakers is a productive strategy. If you’re like me, given enough time, you could convince yourself that even Ryan Gosling is an unacceptable match.

Assuming that there is something that has drawn me to this hypothetical suitor in the first place [ie I’m attracted to them in some way], I present to you my three deal-breakers. [These are subject to change at any time, I guess…]:

1. Must be liberal. [I’ve thought really, REALLY long and hard about this. It is indeed actually my number one deal-breaker.]

2. Isn’t intimidated by a strong, independent woman. [Sorry, buddy.] Also, it would be helpful if this person, on occasion, thinks the sun rises and sets out of my ass. I promise to afford them the same admiration.

3. Makes me laugh.

See! I’m so easy to please! [However, now that you’ve made it past the initial selection criteria, if I can just direct your attention to the unabridged list…]

What are your deal-breakers? Do you think three is a good number?