When you are perusing the peeps on the OkCupes, the site offers suggestions of other profiles you might want to check out. On the right side of your screen appears a series of people’s profile pictures, their usernames, and a little blurb about how they compare to the option currently on your screen. It says things like “More Adventurous”; “Less Romantic”; “More Old-Fashioned”; “Less Independent”.
OkCupid has made these judgments based on their algorithm. This algorithm includes questions like “Do you believe in dinosaurs?”, so you can only imagine how accurate the algorithm is. [I didn’t know that the existence of dinosaurs was up for debate. What exactly am I looking at when I go to the Natural History Museum?]
The algorithm is also based on some highly personal questions – “How often do you masturbate?”; “Will you allow your partner to kiss you after performing oral sex on you?”… you get the idea. [I’m pretty sure that the questions are user generated – that is the only possible explanation for all of the grammatical and spelling errors… and the dinosaur question.]
OkCupid gives you the option to hide your answers, but you can’t see how others responded if your answer is hidden. For me, I feel like I am put in a strange position of revealing highly intimate details about myself and my thoughts to the world (things that even **I** would hesitate to reveal!), but feeling strangely anonymous because I haven’t met the people who are reading my answers.
Anyway, I recently received the following message [re-printed here in its entirety]:
Is it weird that I found your profile as a recommendation on another girls page with the label “less desiring of sex”?
No. It’s not weird. But it IS weird to send me that email.
You could have said any of these things, and they would have been better:
I saw your profile and I was intrigued.
What’s cookin’, good lookin’. [A friend of mine got two messages within 5 minutes of each other from two different people that BOTH said this.]
How much does an elephant weigh? Enough to break the ice. [Yep. Got that one.]
Hey. [Yes. Even “hey” is a preferable message to what you sent me.]
Apparently, the algorithm has dismissed all necessity for not being a damn fool. [In case it’s not clear, I don’t think that their algorithm is very accurate.]
On a somewhat related note, if I am reading a gentleman’s profile and they mention sex in either the Six Things I Couldn’t Live Without or I Spend A Lot of Time Thinking About… sections, I think to myself “UGH! HOW CRASS CAN YOU BE?” However. If they fail to mention sex in either of those sections, I think to myself “You’re a fucking liar” OR “You have no sex drive, nothankyousomuch.”
There is no winning, people. I might as well just stay home and watch videos of people popping zits on youtube.
*For the record, ambition is apparently my number one trait on the OkCupid algorithm. I don’t disagree with that.