OkCupid: It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp

Confession: My OkCupid inbox is very full. Whenever I log in, OkCupid threatens to withhold my messages from me because I am teetering on the 300 message limit*. This is mostly thanks to my own laziness/inability to respond. I have taken to going through my inbox and deleting any message that just says “hey” or doesn’t have a picture associated with the sender’s profile [this usually means that they’ve deleted their profile, though not always]. With this method, I can pretend that I am going to, someday, respond to the messages with actual substance.

In reality, I’ve got messages from over a year ago. Am I REALLY going to write those people back?

“Hi! You sent me a message in December 2011 asking how excited I was about the Mad Men premiere in March… OMG. Can you believe that Don…”

Yeah.

That’s not happening.

Anyway, with this plethora of messages, I thought my OkCupid Week of Yes was going to be a breeze. I’m just COLLECTING messages! They are all just WAITING for me to grace them with a response!

Turns out, not so much.

Yesterday, I received two messages that [sorta] fit the criteria for response [more than just a “hey”].

The exchanges went thusly.

[In Suitor #1’s profile, he talks a lot about bacon and wanting to wrap everything in bacon]:

BaconLover**: question

Me: answer

BaconLover: would you have my future half asian babiez? [He’s Asian. Not me, obviously.]

Me: it depends. if i leave you alone with my half asian babiez and they get cold, will you wrap them in a blanket or bacon?

BaconLover: i’ll feed them bacon and wrap them in baby blanket, obvi. so what’s your number?

1. Listen. I’m TRYING here. That’s the point of this challenge, right? I tried to be witty [I probably failed]. You’re not making it that easy for me.

2. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW MY NAME YET! YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK WHAT MY NAME IS! WHY WOULD I GIVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER?

And Suitor #2.

Dude2: So have u had actual trysts with either of the two oceans ? [This was in reference to something in my profile about lovin’ the Atlantic AND Pacific Oceans.]

Me: A lady NEVER kisses and tells 😉

Dude2: Wow I never realized how sMart you are! Lol

Dude2: Have u scuba dived before ? And pls don’t tell , a lady doesn’t kiss and blah blah!

Me: Excuse me?

Dude2: The first line was in response to what ur friends notice about you “wow I never realized how short u r”. Sigh. I hate it when I have to explain my sarcasm

Dude2: And now it sounds I’ll timed and mean. [He means “ill”. Thanks, autocorrect.]

Dude2: Anyways have u scuba dived? In any of those two oceana

1. I’m sorry… what?

2. Wait… what?

3. I’m pretty sure you insulted me multiple times and actually said “blah blah blah” about my response. It’s going well so far.

4. I won’t even get started on the lack of proof-reading. OY.

You guys. It’s HARD out here for a single gal. I need a martini.

Let’s hope OkCupid Week of Yes, Day 2 is more productive than Day 1. I mean, it can only get better, right?

*OkCupid informs me that I could pay to increase my message storage capacity. Listen, OkCupid, if I wanted to PAY for this ish, don’t you think I would just be on Match or HowAboutWe? Bitch, please.

**All screennames have obviously be changed. Or maybe it’s not that obvious, cause I’ve seen some ridiculous OkCupid screennames. Nevertheless, they’ve been changed.

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2 thoughts on “OkCupid: It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp

  1. Wow, this is reminding me of my endless suitors of 2012. I got it down to three and they are still my “friends” but not much future with them. I gave up hundreds to make the wrong choices! Ugh! Back to just going around looking at grocery stores, festivals, and bars. Hope you find a good one, two or three!

    • Ugh. Me too. Thanks! It sometimes just seems so forced to meet people online… I’d much prefer to do it the old fashioned way, but… that has its own set of hassles too. It’s so hard!

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