“It is easy to be solemn, it is so hard to be frivolous.” – G.K. Chesterton
When I moved in with my current roommate [two and a half years ago!], we took an inventory of common area items. It soon became clear that one of us [*ahem*] wasn’t contributing to the kitchen as much as the other. Apparently, I owned all things ridiculous and zero things practical.
A list of kitchen items I did NOT contribute to our kitchen: utensils, cups, plates, pots, pans, spices, serving utensils.
Below, I present to you my actual kitchen contributions:
1. A Donut Hole Maker: When I moved to New York, my first thought was, “Gee! They could really use more Dunkin’ Donuts around here! How will I ever satisfy my insatiable desire for Munchkins?!? No. Obviously that is NOT what I thought. There are DDs on every corner [Fun fact: there are actually more DDs than Starbucks in NYC. Who knew?] Another fun little story: one of my first times in a Dunkin’, I tried to order some “donut holes” (cause that’s what we call them in California). The man behind the counter did not understand what I could possibly mean. We went back and forth with a “donut holes?” “huh?” exchange for longer than we should have, until finally I pointed at them, and he responded with “OH. You mean MUNCHKINS.” All of this is to say: clearly I don’t NEED a donut hole maker, but who doesn’t WANT one?!
2. [Not one but two] Sushi Sets: They’re just so CUTE! You get a little bowl for your soy sauce and wasabi. There are REAL chopsticks that you don’t have to rub together after you’ve ripped them apart. It’s so much more elegant than eating out of a plastic to-go container. And for the amount of sushi I consume, these sushi sets are a necessity! How often do I actually take the time to transfer my sushi out of its plastic to-go container and onto one of my beautiful sushi sets, you ask? About… 1% of the time. WORTH IT! DUH!
3. Chocolate Fondue Pot: I haven’t used this yet. But I’ll let you know when I do. It looks like a rollicking good time.
4. French Onion Soup Crocks: Listen. If I’m going to eat french onion soup, it had BETTER be out of the correct type of bowl, RIGHT?! Can I get an AMEN? [But really, they are SO CUTE with their little handles, and you can put them in the oven!]
5. Shot Glass Ice Tray: It’s an ICE TRAY that makes SHOT GLASSES. Genius, right? In my defense, this was actually the ONLY ice tray that we had in our apartment for about 3 months. So, I’m gonna go ahead and put this in the “practical” category. Also, we just recently tried to use these shot glass ice cubes for actual shots and, well, they don’t work. Boo.
6. Pumpkin Pie Tray: Ya know. To cook your pumpkin pies in. I have baked exactly zero pies in my life. However, my roommate has made many old fashioned cream pies [aka crack pies] in this pan. And I have eaten them. WINNING!
7. [Creme Brulee Maker]: RIP Creme Brulee Maker. This item never actually made it to this apartment. It was left behind at a previous apartment 3 moves ago. I just know though, dammit, that if I DID have this creme brulee maker, I would be the best damn creme brulee maker out there!
8. [Salad Spinner]: This item was also lost in a move. I’m going to argue that this would have actually been a valuable contribution. How else do you get your lettuce clean without harming the Earth through the excessive use of paper towels? I miss you, salad spinner. Without you, I’ve been forced to order salads that are somehow worth $16 from Pax.
9. Magic Bullet: I usually wax poetic about my Magic Bullet, and then realize that I need to add on “BLENDER” lest people think I am talking about something explicit. I have watched MANY Magic Bullet [Blender] infomercials, and it really IS as great as they claim [except for one time, when I was making a smoothie and somehow the seal got pulled into the blender part, and I ended up drinking a smoothie with chopped up plastic bits in it. That was less than stellar]. The smoothies are delicious. I generally like to make mine with frozen strawberries and blueberries, yogurt, and orange juice. You’re not getting $6 from me, Jamba Juice! I have my Magic Bullet [Blender] to satisfy me!
10. Candy Nipple Tassles: No kitchen is complete without them. BYOMagicBullet.
Who’s coming to dinner?